It was a simple question posed by a co-worker interested in knitting my then unborn daughter a blanket. “What color do you think she’ll like?” she said. Hmmm. I thought pink, then purple, but said green. “Green will be the color of her nursery,” I said.
My co-worker, a former hippie who was the politically vocal and liberal one around the office approved. “I hate it when parents assume that their girls will like girly colors like pink or purple, she said.” “Me too! Me too! I thought hesitantly at the time and went on to praise the virtues of gender neutral parenting. “Children should have the choice!” She said, and I agreed with an “Mmm hmmm.”
I didn’t really feel that passionate about the issue, but during my pregnancy, I did make a mental note that I’d make an effort to practice gender neutral parenting.
In my third trimester, I avoided cute pink rompers with flowers and princess themed crib bedding. It was an experiment that I was attempting to commit then with my unborn child, an experiment that had the potential, I imagined, of changing the world, my one child at a time.
And, it was an experiment that was successful, well, until a trip to Target where I realized in spending thirty minutes debating whether to buy a pretty receiving blanket with pink flowers that it was all ridiculous.
It was ridiculous of me to assume that the colors of my daughter’s clothing, her blankets, and toys really mattered.
I could no longer see the good or worth in essentially resisting the other, more frilly path, the traditional path for the sake of my principles. It wasn’t that serious.
And, as she’s matured, and formed more opinions of her own, things just naturally continued on that more traditionally “feminine” path. With no encouragement on my part, she’s indicated her interest in some of mommy’s world of cleaning, make-up, earrings, high heels, cooking, and purses, and baby dolls rather than daddy’s world of soccer balls, cars, and things that make a lot of noises.
I, as her mother, have watched this and supported her on her path because it is her path.
Because I didn’t resist that path, that traditionally feminine path, does that mean that I am influencing or somehow sabotaging other possibilities for her gender identity?
I would argue, no.
After all, and as the story on Oprah yesterday of the former daughter turned son of Cher, Chasity/Chaz (and my experience in being mom with a daughter) would seem to suggest, gender is “hard-wired,” and has little to do with whether a child is given a brown nursery and orange educational toys by their parents.
Right?
As a parent, I can’t force my daughter in to a gender. Can I?
I know gender re-assignment is a controversial issue so I’d rather not get into a debate about whether it’s right or wrong. I would more like to begin a conversation on what role parents play in helping their children form gender identities? Is, as the story of Chaz Bono would seem to suggest, gender hard-wired? Or, is their room for parents to assert their parenting wills?
About Jessica Jessica (@jessicafhinton)
Jessica F. Hinton is a writer, blogger, and hobbyist photographer living in the DC metropolitan area with her husband and two children. Her writings have appeared in various places on- and off-line, such as The Huffington Post, Babble, BlogHer, The African American Review, Early Mama, Tots 2 Tweens, and Baltimore's Child. She is a senior editor at Baby Gizmo and writes unedited at her other blog, http://shortlittlebits.com.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
this is a tough one for some people. I would say parents can assert their parenting wills but at the end of the day, parents should love their children regardless. I would never love my son any less if he were to ever tell me he was gay. If anything, I am going to love him more because the backlash he is going to receive from others is going to be horrific. I don't want that on my child.
I kept his colors pretty neutral as a baby (lots of yellows and greens) because I didn't want to know his sex until he was born. It wasn't until a few months before his birth that I felt I needed to know who this person was growing inside of me so that I could mentally wrap my mind around how and what I should teach him.
Do I teach him anything differently that I would teach a daughter? not really. But I do make sure that as a man, a black man, that more than anything, he know he has a support system and unconditional love. Some thing most black men feel they don't have.
Very interesting post. I've wondered about the possibility of gender neutral parenting too, but Q was immediately drawn to trucks and cars and sports and loud and all things stereotypically boy. He has all kinds of toys, but he's naturally drawn to those things. I'm curious to see how different life will be with a girl and if she will want to be like her brother or be more girly. I don't plan to go over the top with frou-frou girly stuff for her — it's just not my style anyway.
This is a very interesting topic. I have 3 boys, and I've never pushed the typical boy toys onto them but they have been drawn to them since the beginning. I can't wait to have a daughter though. I'd love to see what types of things she's drawn to!
@Monique: I think your approach is great and very necessary. And, I agree that parents should love their children regardless of which gender path they choose. My daughter seems to be choosing the girly path, but I would support her either way.
@flyrish: Q is the same as Nya (except she was drawn to girly things). As a child, I was the opposite, however, and resisted anything "feminine" like a plague, so her choices surprised me at first. Yeah, I'll be interested in to hear what differences in parenting you observe in raising your baby girl.
@Kimberly: It is all so interesting! Yeah, I never pushed girl toys (or even bought girl toys at first) with Nya but in public, she would always steer towards those toys anyways.
I loved girly things when I was a little girl & my mother has NEVER been girly. I have a little sister that has ALWAYS preferred masculine things more than feminine ones.
I'm sure there is somewhat of an influence, but seriously, my son sleeps with a pink & purple stuffed animal & trains.
I just want my kid to be who he is & if he wants a pink & purple doll then he can have one. If he wants trains then he can have those too.
Good post!
Way to get people thinking!
I have a girly girl… and this is a girl whom I would dress in her brother's hand-me-downs when she was younger. It almost seems like one day she woke up and decided that her favorite colors are pink and purple!
We should celebrate our children's choices, whatever they might be… they're expressions of who they are. There are other more important things to quibble or worry over than color- or gender-related choices.