I have PPD
By Jessica Torres
To some people, these are the two dirtiest words in the English dictionary.
But it’s not. It’s a condition that thousands of women in the world get after birth. And I am one of them.
When I gave birth to my son 22 months ago, I developed it; but not until he was 3 months old. I used to ask people, “Can you develop postpartum depression months after birth?”
I was told “no.” But they were wrong.
I asked, “Could I have it and not know it” (cause I had an inkling that something was not right with me). I was told “no”…and they were wrong.
But I kept living my life. I kept trucking away.
Then a week after my son’s first birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I was scared. But I swallowed my fear and lived my life.
One month after giving birth to my little Diva – I realized I needed help. Why? Cause of the emptiness I felt?
Because of the constant arguments that I was having with my husband?
Because I would yell at her. I would get so mad at her. For not sleeping, for crying randomly, for being a baby. And? I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing toward my daughter and I couldn’t stand taking care of her. She was just a burden to heavy for me to carry.
I just couldn’t handle her. Then, there was the night I manhandled her and had a very scary violent thought. I still can’t tell you what that thought was…it was so scary violent I can’t remember.
The next day, I called my OB/GYN doctor. They squeezed me in immediately. I was in the parking lot and almost didn’t go in. How could I admit what I’ve been feeling? After 10 minutes of sitting in my car, contemplating on whether I really needed to go in or not; I walked in the door.
Then, my doctor told me the words I didn’t want to hear: You have postpartum depression. I was devastated. I felt like such a failure. She gave me medicine. I didn’t take it. I couldn’t admit I needed help.
Then 2 weeks later, after having a horrible weekend of hating and arguing with my husband and quite honestly almost running away – I did it. I took the medicine.
I felt better – better than I did in months. Then I saw my therapist – who told me: I’m not a monster. Then I wrote about it in my blog. I found out – I wasn’t alone. I wrote about it in Twitter, people came to support me.
I am on the road to recovery – I still have my bad days; but my good days are more frequent. For example? Yesterday, I was alone all day with my kids for the first time since giving birth – and I didn’t freak out.
Small milestones, right?
What I want to say is if you think something is up with you – talk to your doctor. Seek help. You are not a monster.
While those thoughts are not normal, it does not make you a failure.
Remember. You are not a monster – I swear.
Only 20% of women living with postpartum depression actually seek help. The other 80% either go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. If you think you have symptoms of PPD, get help. You owe it to yourself and your child to do so.
Thank you again Jessica for sharing your story.