The set-up: There is a playdate at 10 am. It is now 9 am.
Toddler: Mama, Mama. Hungry (said while patting tummy).
Mama: Okay, want pancakes and eggs for breakfasts?
Toddler: Yumm Yummm.
Mama: Okay, well, wait right here, while mama makes breakfast.
Mama makes a fine breakfast of eggs and pancakes and fifteen minutes later (when it’s ready) gives it toddler.
Baby: Waaa Waaa Waa
Toddler: (throws food on floor) Noooooo!
Mama picks up baby to nurse while reeling in her inner mommy dearest beast.
Mama: (To toddler) Why did you throw your food on the floor? Aren’t you hungry?
Toddler: Dat?? (said while pointing to the refrigerator)
Mama: (still nursing baby) What do you want in the refrigerator?? (she opens the door).
Toddler: Dat?? (pointing at something in the refrigerator)
Toddler: No. Dat.
3 minutes later
Mama: (finally sees what the toddler is pointing to) You want the ranch salad dressing?
Toddler: Ohhhhhhhhh. O-tay!
Mama: You can’t have ranch dressing for breakfast, sorry. Either you eat the pancakes and eggs that I made or wait until lunch (she’s lying about this and will fold with enough pressure).
Mama: Or, if you don’t eat, you’re not going to be able to go to your playgroup.
Mama: So you don’t want to see your friends?
Mama: So, you do want to see your friends?
Toddler: (nods head “yes”)
Mama: Okay, well then eat (she says this while balancing the baby over her shoulder to burp and salvaging some of the food from the floor).
Thirty minutes later, the toddler eats.
Mama: Okay, so, let’s go get our shoes on to go to see your friends.
Toddler: Uh-oh. Uh-ohhhh. Pooo-pooo. Pooo-pooo. Pooo-poooooooooooo.
Mama: Poo-poo? What?! Now?!?
Toddler: Poo- poo. Poo-poo. Poo-pooooooooooooo.
Baby: (Coos and wonders when it’s going to be nap time)
Mama puts toddler on toilet with one hand and holds baby with the other.
Mama: (to toddler) Okay, go poo-poo.
Twenty minutes later and no poo-poo, they head to get their shoes on. Finally.
Mama: Okay, now let’s put on your nice tennis sh—
Toddler: Noooooooo! Booooots. Booooooots.
Mama: O-K. We’ll put on your boots.
In car, finally.
Mama: (to self) Did I put on deodorant?? (Sniffs her arm pits) Great. Now, I’ll be known as the mom who stinks. Just great.
Toddler: Mama, mama, mama. Lil bear. Lil bear. Lil bear.
Mama: Okay. Okay. Let me just find the remote. (to self): I can’t believe I didn’t put on deodorant.
Baby: (pacifier falls out of her mouth) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Mama: (to baby) It’s okay. It’s okay
Navigation system: Right turn ahead.
Mama: (to self) Did I lock the door? I don’t think I locked the door. Why does this always happen to me??
Mama turns car around to go back home to confirm that she’s locked the door and, before pulling out of driveway for second time, puts pacifier back in baby’s mouth.
Five minutes later they’re on their way. Again
Baby: (spits pacifier out) Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Toddler: Mama, Mama, Mama. Poo-poo. Poo-poo. Poo-poo.
Mama: Poo-poo? Now?!?
Toddler: Poo-pooo. Poo-pooo. Pooo-poo.
Mama: Can you just hold it?!? PLEASE!!
Toddler: (quiet for once)
Baby: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. (turning red and sweating because she hates her car seat and because the pacifier has fallen too far down on her shirt).
Mama: (perspiring and regretting that she didn’t put on deodorant).
Navigation system: Left turn ahead.
Mama: (looks at self in mirror) Man, I look tired. Wait. Is that a gray hair? Great. Just great!!!
Baby: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. (nearly choking on her own spit and frantically moving legs and arms like fish..with legs and arms…out of water)
Toddler: Mama, Mama, Mama. Pooooo-pooooo. Pooooo-poooooo.
Navigation system: You have reached your destination (without your diaper bag).
End time: 10: 45 am