When I wrote “Walk slowly in motherhood,” I was inspired by remembering that opening anecdote and the thought that I had finally figured out how to be a mother to two children. You could say that I was in a moment of bliss when I hit “publish.” And I felt that bliss throughout that day of writing.
As I drove, by myself, to a local grocery store later in the evening, I just kept thinking, “Man, life is so good right now with two kids.” I did that smile to the sky that people sometimes do in commercials. You know, the one where you look up, get sunshine in your face, and smile, close your eyes, and breathe and open your eyes as you exhale. Yeah, I did that while listening to some pop song on the radio. And I had an internal conversation with myself about all the reasons why life felt so good at that moment.
This may sound insane, but I remember what I told myself in that conversation because it was such a poignant little self talk I gave. And what I felt in that moment of clarity felt so reassuring.
I told myself that while I wanted more children, I would wait. I would wait and just enjoy this moment. Maybe a year or two from now, after some more overseas travel and date nights, I would be ready for another.
When I got home and noticed that my stomach looked a bit pudgy, I panicked, but not because I thought I was pregnant. I panicked because until that moment of seeing my life and what I wanted for my future, I never noticed the pudginess. “I know I let myself go for a bit there, but…I didn’t know it had gotten this bad. I look…almost…sort of…kind of pregnant,” I said as I examined it in the mirror. Hmm.
But I wasn’t pregnant, of course. And it was all okay, I rationalized, because starting tomorrow I would take matters into my own hands. I would, starting tomorrow, begin an extreme ab routine made up of compiled videos from Youtube. I would do this during my girls’ naps and that would be that. “…and then I would have a six pack, or maybe a nice four pack. Or, maybe just a flat stomach,” I said as I examined myself in the mirror.
A day after my first day of “extreme abs,” I decided to take a pregnancy test, just on a whim and as a precautionary measure.
“I know I’m NOT pregnant,” I told my husband over the phone, “but can you stop at Target and get a pregnancy test?”
“Uh. So you are pregnant?” he said.
“Oh, no, no, no. This is just a “precautionary” measure. I’m definitely NOT pregnant.”
Two hours later.
Said while walking slowly from bathroom. “Uh. This test says I’m pregnant.”
“Pregnant”?! “Maybe it’s a mistake,” he rationalized.
“Yeah, you’re right. You are exactly right! Maybe, let’s try another one because I don’t know what happened, but that test was DEFINITELY a MISTAKE.
Three tests later of the brand I liked.
“Yeah. I’m pregnant.”
“So, what are we going to do?” he asks.
“What do you mean what are we going to do?!?”
“I mean. I don’t know. But… what are we going to do? (Pause) Are we ready?” he said.
“Well, no, but have we ever really been ready?”
“Well, we always did want another kid…so this is a good thing.(Pause) Maybe this is what we needed,” he said smiling. “You’re pregnant!”
Three months later.
I posted a pregnancy announcement on Instagram a couple of days ago and have since decided that we won’t find out the baby’s gender.
I would often call this pregnancy “unexpected” early in conversations about it to family and close friends. And I still do, but now, when I say it, I don’t feel that pit in my stomach I used to feel, the one that comes when you feel guilty about something and a bit embarrassed that at 30, you’re having kids, unexpectedly.
All things really do happen according to a plan that we don’t always know about. So while unexpected, this pregnancy really was planned.
I heard the baby’s heartbeat almost two months ago. It was then, or in that moment, that I got the same maternal feeling I’ve felt with my other two children.
“I’m having a baby, again!” And I’m happy, the same kind of happy I felt when I wrote “Walk slowly in motherhood.”
My time as a two-time mom wasn’t that long lived, but I’m happy that it was lived (and continues to be lived). And as the months have gone by, I’ve been growing more and more convinced that while everything for our lives as a family of five is not figured out, we will, as we always have, figure it out…hopefully before the baby gets here, but most likely it will happen bit by bit over time. Everything will be alright. Everything will be alright….and good. Yes, life is good and will continue to be good.
I felt the baby move and decided it was really movement two days ago. And that was kind of amazing. So, there’s only joy now and a story that’s now laughable about how this pregnancy came to be, unexpectedly.